THIS IS 'HOW IT ALWAYS IS'...

What's on you mind?

Gratitude without the attitude. Over the years I have learned to be more thankful than complaining. My complaining makes me feel like it nullifies my gratefulness. I feel a sense of guilt when I  make a disappointment. So in reality I am struggling to cross a incomplete bridge whose shores of peace and comfort seem unreachable.  Waves of pessimism floods my mind night and  day drowning me in futility. Even my voice is swimming with my inner pain, but I don't want to be known for my complaining. Much has been given to me, blessings sometimes have found me, but it seems that is never enough. I have become a prisoner to my past and a doubter of my future. The only light I see is the one that lights my way to my cave. I fight against the sense of entitlement or against thinking someone owes me something. My sword fights to the death with Pride swelling up, playing like it's tough; in reality it's a weakness. Sometimes you just get tired of living off the crumbs. My point is that there is a me 'that always is' and a me 'that wants to be'. One has stayed to long and the other refuse to come.

Is this how it will always be?

A eight year old boy spent most of his days waiting for his father to come and rescue him, the heartbreak of that relationship is another story that is far too sensitive to be told in this short story. My step father was a alcoholic and abusive. My Mother was overworked and liked playing clueless. In her fatigue she let things happen that was traumatic and damaging. I don't want to blame her, but you can never get better until you at least expose the wound. Most holidays was marred with excessive drinking which eventually led to fights and my mother like most woman became the victim of physical abuse. dealing with the pain of not being strong enough to stop it is not something a child should have to deal with, the warrior in me died and the fight in me became uncontrollable. Traumatized children and terrified mother is this how it would always be? The devil had planted the seed in my mind. I needed a hero and I was at the age to believe that GOD would send me one. So I waited in expectation and romanticized about that hero. One holiday started out very special for a boy that had no fatherly love his uncles became his hero, as well as coaches, the pastor, other athletes any man that seemed to control his destiny and will his power. My uncle, was a airborne ranger from the Army he was home from Vietnam and now living in the virgin islands. His presence alone made me feel that everything would be ok. But any thoughts of grandeur or celebration didn't last long soon the drinking and enjoyment gave way to the violence and the fighting---just as it always had, but this time things would be different, or so I thought. Fortunately. this would not be the night that my mother would have to run for her life or receive the brunt of all the blows. I guess that my stepfather should have known that retribution would come one day, but he was arrogant and clueless when drinking---so he started some shit with my Uncle looking on; bad move on hid part. After he received a few broken ribs, a broken finger and busted jaw we found ourselves in my uncles brand new conversion van speeding to Columbus, Georgia. My hero had come and I fell asleep in the van resting for the first time in years, and just when I thought that I had finally been rescued I woke up in horror. The van was pulling back in the driveway of our house, if you could call it that and my heart sank. I can not tell you the disappointment that I felt and the fear of 'what's next' that raced through my mind like a wild fire. My sister and I lost it sobbing uncontrollably and my mother's only reply was that she couldn't leave like that. I knew that meant she didn't want to. I don't think I ever recovered. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces being the moment I realized 'this is how things always is'. In this life there is no such things as heroes and no such thing as happily ever after. Heaven seemed to have labeled some of us the 'rug' to be walked over.

Watching someone being abused and you are powerless to help them is far worse than it happening to you. Children traumatized and abused without any weapons to fight back is gut wrenching, a pain in ones heart that never seems to go away.  Growing older simple means it morphs into something else, still not healing. It does something to your mind-all you can do is reason that this is how it always is. The pent up anger, frustration, and bitterness has chased me with its offer of a murderous spirit. Up to now GOD  has kept me one step in front, but over the years it has gained distance. The murderous spirit haunts my dreams at night and in the day, I seems to think I can become the hero I never found. But there is no retribution for hard training. If what we go through makes us who we are then we can choose to use it or lose it. It is from this time that I lost confidence and esteem in myself, feeling inadequate with my size, my power, esteem crashed and confidence never matured. I spent most of my life wishing I was bigger and stronger, meaner, or had ruthless brothers. I was mad at my life and everything I was part of seemed weak. I admired the super heroes Superman, Batman, Ultra-man anyone that could make villains pay and control their own destiny. Fantasy and illusion became better than my reality. It was during this time that the seed of warfare was planted since I always felt under attack. I lost my sense of peace, it has never returned. Great things can be happening all around me never to me, even if they comes my way I never enjoy it. I keep waiting for the boom and the bam meaning the party or celebration is about to turn violent. Even if the violence doesn't actually  happens it does to me in my mind. My needle is stuck  in the past and the rewind refuses to advance.  My finger is always on the trigger-the bullets never seem to have any effect on the enemy-I still seem powerless. I turned to GOD and things got worse, now I feel like a coward.  Like I am hiding behind GOD, but GOD will quickly break you out of that because in my greatest need HE doesn't answer. let, me clarify its no indictment against the one that has kept me and spared me it just means GOD doesn't let you use HIM. That the way it just is and the way it has always been and the way it will always be.